Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. I am 23.
It’s been years since I’ve posted anything on a blog. I promised the world 2 years ago that this would be a brand new edition to my digital self-indulgence and endless rants. I once thought that my live journal of sorts was somewhat important to those who view it…. Then I vanished and thought that it was important in its own right… Now, I see what the importance of this really is and what this all really for. This is important to me, and only me…
I have just started my first week as a second year graduate student of research psychology. I am finally on track and on my way to completing my Master’s degree and even furthering my ever more expensive and tedious higher education. This week begins my most important and influential semester that will determine the future of my professional career. I have gone so far and worked so hard… and still I feel as though I haven’t moved at all. I feel constantly ill-prepared, scattered, apathetic, and sub-par. I am organized, but lost. On track, but stagnant. Two years ago, my entire life was very different.
Two years ago I updated the Garrick thirsty world about my dramatic life changes and professed my overwhelming enthusiasm and love for things that brought me to where I am and who I’ve become. Two years ago, I was a happy and optimistic young man. A lucky, and naïve older boy.
I still carry the change in perspective. The world is still a beautiful dance of life and phenomena. Academics is still the fuel that drives me, science and charitable causes still my vessel of choice. It seems that all remains the same, but none is what it used to be. One thing has changed. Everything has changed.
I lost her. I try to tell myself everyday that I haven’t, but the truth is too sour, too real to ignore. I lost her. It has been almost exactly 6 months now. No contact. No response. Life moves on, wounds heal, time helps… nothing is forgotten.
We began to grow apart, and closer still, within the first few months of Graduate school. I chose to continue at our dusty hometown community, she chose the wonderful city of sight and sound. Plans in place, we were meant to rejoin one another. Always the plan. Only a couple years apart, then the rest of our lives to remain happy. Just as easily, just as quickly... plans unraveled, doubts, suspicions, guilt, greed, jealousy, lust, apathy, loneliness, heartbreak. The details are matter much less than before, the end result fades in the dark future, but burns no less. She left. I lost her.
I never predicted any of it. The past few months, the worst I’ve ever experienced. When I was young, my mother died, but it felt satellite still. I had family, friends, found solace in romance. Guilt still alive, but always a dark figure in the background. Mom has never been a burden on my life. Years ago, my family disowned me, abandoned me. Lost all trust, all love for them. Lost all but few friends. Extreme distress, biggest struggle to survive. But still not bothersome. Still remained happy. I still had her then. As long as she was there, the world seemed… complete… just. Despite all my misfortunes, she made up for the world’s transgressions. I should have carried that burden. Been prepared to face more. Nothing like this, nothing. Recovery… from nothing.
Her mother still supportive, friends attempt at comfort, school still challenging. Extreme loss of motivation, loss of confidence, loss of will. Went to seek professional help. Provided outlet, but no solution. I know there is none but time and replacement, but that time needed is a lifetime, and this… this I cannot imagine replacing. She has found someone else. I am honestly unhappy that she is happy with him. I am proud of her courage, her strength… envious even. She is forgetting me. I am now… exploring odd places.
Currently, I am still actively pursuing a reputable research status. I have gained a lot of new motivation with leading a new community service group and continuing my research. Romantically, everything is, as has been for months now, mixed at best. I want options, multiple opportunities, simple choices. Women are becoming… objectives. I dislike the person I’m setting myself up to be, but it feels as if there is no alternative. Is it simply love that I strive for? Is it simple to achieve?
It’s hard to face the fact that I’m still in love with her. I say I want to forget, but I remain lost in her. She is gone, and only the little I have remains. All of this, everything I was to become, destroyed in only a few short months. All I have are the parts of a former self. All I have are the pieces of me.
This is all that matters. This is what’s important.
Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me.
